By Vivian Luu | VAAMA
Tami Bui and Dyrell Foster’s first date was in San Francisco. Tami is the oldest daughter of a traditional Vietnamese refugee family. Dyrell is the only child of a Korean mother and an African American father. It was supposed to be a surprise romantic dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant. On the way there, they got pulled over by the police. Dyrell’s anxiety was high.
As a black male who was about to come into confrontation with the police, he was sweating profusely, and his pulse was elevating. By contrast, Tami, sitting next to him, was very calm and could not understand his stress.
Tami majored in political science and is currently a senior government affairs manager for a local business. Dyrell is president of Las Positas College – the first in his family to go to college and earn a Ph.D.
Dyrell grew up eating rice and kimchi and is used to taking off his shoes when he comes home. Tami grew up eating rice and fish sauce and is used to talking to her parents every single day. They met at a conference in 2002, and Tami approached Dyrell because she felt a sense of humility and kindness emanating from him. Dyrell was attracted to Tami’s beauty but was shy to approach. He was relieved that she took the initiative and gave him a chance to get to know her. It was her strong sense of social justice and the work she had done for her community that persuaded him that she was “the one.”
“The initial challenge was with her family and understanding their perspective. Tami and I really had to make a difficult decision early on as to whether or not we were going to pursue our relationship, knowing I may not be readily acceptable or accepted as part of her family,” Dyrell shared. Tami’s parents risked their lives to bring the family to America in hopes of a better future, and Tami’s father feared her union with a dark-skinned man would hinder her path. Dyrell’s family was more open towards multi-racial unions.
With humility, Dyrell was able to convince Tami’s parents of his sincerity. Tami’s parents have come full circle these days and Tami said that Dyrell has become the favorite son that Tami’s father always wanted to have: Dyrell is respectful, humble, calm, and highly educated with a Ph.D., whereas Tami majored in political science, which is a career that most Asian parents don’t endorse. Tami didn’t face any objection with Dyrell’s family. She knew that she wanted to keep her last name after marriage, but much to her relief, Dyrell’s family did not object.
They married in 2009 and have two children, daughter Maylea, 10 and son Daylen, 8. Maylea has a Vietnamese middle name, Tâm, which means heart. Daylen has a Korean middle name, Jaewon, which stands for outstanding intelligence. These are qualities the couple wish for their children as well as a way to pay tribute to their respective cultures. Aside from their skin colors and the occasional inquisitive looks from strangers, the couple have had tremendous support from their families and friends. They’re raising their children to be happy, independent, and well-grounded, to have a clear vision of their identities and an appreciation of their roots.
“I think as Asian Americans we’re raised to be humble… but I think we have adapted because we have told ourselves that we can also be very proud and confident and grounded in who we are,” Tami said.
While Dyrell is more sensitive to confrontations, Tami tends to exert her rights and her voice more often. The couple mention an incident where Tami honked at a neighbor’s visiting guests, who were illegally parked in Tami’s parking spot. Dyrell recalls that everyone was looking at him, the black male, as if he was the one making the urgent sound.
“Now that I look back, and when I think about the violence towards Asian Americans, particularly after Covid, these are types of things that I was just not aware of back then,” Tami says. “Though Dyrell is half Asian and half Black, they only see him for his skin color, so who knows what they could have done to us.”
Being Asian and Black, the couple continues to maneuver the current social landscape with caution, sensitivity, optimism and a lot of understanding and laughter.
A strong sense of family values was what attracted each of them to the other, and this principle continues to be the bond that has held them together for more than 20 years, and counting. Though they don’t put a big stress on anniversary celebrations, Tami jokes that she is open to receiving a gift from Dyrell on any day of the year. “Our family is just like any other family, right? Because it’s not just about being married to somebody who’s not like you, it’s the day-to-day stuff,” Tami affirmed. The couple share candid family photos of themselves and their children, living, learning, working and enjoying all that life has to offer from four different cultures: Vietnamese, Korean, African, and American.
Dyrell is no longer as anxious around the police, and Tami thinks twice before honking her horn, even if she is right in certain situations. They still love to go to Vietnamese restaurants for a couple’s night out
This is a Vietnamese-Korean-African American portrait of the new multiracial landscape of California. A story just like any other family story, but one that is mixed with a kaleidoscope of perspectives and cultural values.
This article is part of the Love Across Colorlines series, a collaboration of 20+ ethnic media outlets looking at interracial marriage in California at a time of rising hate. Visit Love Across Colorlines to see more in the series.
